hi. I’m at a laundromat. for the very first time. super exciting stuff, I know. {confession: I was a little nervous prior to getting here.} in fact, I have tried to come here the last four days, but was a bit too nervous, for several reasons…
I’ve never been.
I couldn’t decide what to bring to keep myself occupied.
I wasn’t sure how many quarters I would need.
I didn’t know what to wear, and I sure didn’t want to look like some pathetic adult who couldn’t figure out how to work these super high-tech machines.
just to clear a few things up, I have been washing my own clothes since I started caring about fashion {around the same time I started wearing makeup and not acting like a boy}. I never came home from school with all my dirties for my mom to do, and I do have a pretty solid grasp on both techmology and general common sense.
that being said, I could not figure out how to close the damn washer. so who best to help me with my predicament than the similarly aged, adequately attractive gentleman to my left? after thanking him and not feeling too horribly embarrassed, I finish loading my washers and am about to take a seat so I can read through my weekly grocery fliers, just as anyone in their mid-twenties would do at 11.30 pm at the laundromat on halloween night. said gentleman decides this is the prime opportunity to make a clever quip, which I failed to hear properly the first time, most likely based on the fact that our previous exchange had been over 2 minutes ago, and with my brain on overload trying to finish pretending I knew what I was doing, I had already forgotten his existence. “sorry?,” I say to laundry man. “want to go half on a washer,” he says.
now, based on the citysearch and yelp research I had been doing for the past four days, I am aware of the fact that this is an unfavorable thing to do, highly against proper laundromat etiquette, and increases the sketch factor of said laundromat should such behavior ensue.
“I’m good,” I say, to which he responds… something inaudible, possibly along the lines of, “just kidding, I’m an idiot,” and immediately leaves.
while I wouldn’t normally believe this to be a terribly blog-worth event, this is the second deplorable interaction I’ve had with an unfamiliar member of the male species in less than one week’s time. the first was last tuesday, when my friend and I went to an amateur comedy show. the first act was hilarious, and it was a steep downhill spiral from there, sparing some strategically placed acts in between to keep everyone from leaving {though many still did}.
I noticed one similarly aged, mildly attractive gentleman across the way, {wearing a t-shirt with an American flag on it}, eying my friend and I. a few minutes pass and he comes over, stands with us for 10 minutes, making remarks which lead me to believe he has the personality of a loaf of wonder bread, and then has the audacity to make a series of statements which could only lead me to believe that he though I was: a} loose, 2} unintelligent, and, c} at all interested.
moron: “so, I have to go meet my friend down the street.”
me: “where?”
moron: “uuuhhhhhhhhhh, a bar down the street.”
me: “have fun.”
moron: “you should give me your number.”
me: “why?”
moron: “so I can call you later and we can meet up.”
… I hate to leave you in suspense, but there needs to be some back story on what I say next. this is something I have used on the occasions when some mouth breather has asked me for my number and I have about as much interest in ever seeing them again as I do in being stricken with trench foot. these incidents have warranted responses which make me want to commence a heinously malapropos sob for the future of our generation. and it’s not even clever…
me: “give me one good reason why I should give you my number.”
moron: “so I have it.”
so I have it??? I can’t decide whether that was better or worse than the last guy I asked the same question, who literally responded, “I can’t think of anything.”
holy crap guys. holy effing crap.
male ineptitude aside, I had a thoroughly enjoyable time at the laundromat, especially because everyone else kept to themselves. it smells nice, it’s clean and bright and they even had some arcade games. I only made 4 dollars too many in quarters, got my grocery list done, and really wished I could remember how my grandpa used to fold fitted sheets. every time I try I end up frustratedly rolling it into a ball, and that man really knew what he was doing.
