moron: “so, I have to go meet my friend down the street.”
me: “where?”
moron: “uuuhhhhhhhhhh, a bar down the street.”
me: “have fun.”
moron: “you should give me your number.”
me: “why?”
moron: “so I can call you later and we can meet up.”
… I hate to leave you in suspense, but there needs to be some back story on what I say next. this is something I have used on the occasions when some mouth breather has asked me for my number and I have about as much interest in ever seeing them again as I do in being stricken with trench foot. these incidents have warranted responses which make me want to commence a heinously malapropos sob for the future of our generation. and it’s not even clever…
me: “give me one good reason why I should give you my number.”
moron: “so I have it.”
so I have it??? I can’t decide whether that was better or worse than the last guy I asked the same question, who literally responded, “I can’t think of anything.”
holy crap guys. holy effing crap.
male ineptitude aside, I had a thoroughly enjoyable time at the laundromat, especially because everyone else kept to themselves. it smells nice, it’s clean and bright and they even had some arcade games. I only made 4 dollars too many in quarters, got my grocery list done, and really wished I could remember how my grandpa used to fold fitted sheets. every time I try I end up frustratedly rolling it into a ball, and that man really knew what he was doing.

… which, honestly, it doesn’t rain all that often here, but I have been hunting for rain boots I actually like for about ten years. then, I go to target and am simply LUSTING after this sweater that looks like something my grandpa would have worn {had he been into cardigans. he was much more of a pullover man}. I convince myself not to buy it, only to return two days later and do exactly that…

…{she’s doing a really good job of making it look non-frumpy}. one of my other errands today was to return a top that looked absolutely heinous on me, and after a bit of shopping around, decided to exchange it for a seagull romper. let’s just take a minute here. a} it’s a romper, of which I have tried on at least a bagillion of, only to each time say to myself, “why did you do that, again?” 2} it’s covered in seagulls.

… even this lady is saying, “really?” seriously though, I am super pumped about the romper, and it is the first I’ve tried on that looked anywhere in the vicinity of normal. plus with the exchange it felt like I only paid $5.41 for it.

honestly though, I am really missing the east coast, and some of it’s current inhabitants. I could really go for carving a pumpkin and dragging out its slimy insides to salt and bake. I could even rake a leaf or two…

I obv started this blog with a fashion theme, and now have absolutely no focus. if you follow this in the slightest, you may be aware of the fact that I continue to add categories I downright refuse to follow through on {please refer to category “hungry hungry herbivores,” or should I say, my one post on tempehtations}. plus, I have absolutely no qualifications which suggest you should pay any mind to my opinion on whether or not a product is worth its salt other than being a consumer, much like yourself.

my point being, you probs shouldn’t expect much from this category, or any other, for that matter, espesh since I’ve been talking about doing it for at least five months now. who knows though, I may even surprise myself…

but let’s not set our hopes too high.

guess what I just figured out? I can make posts from my phone!  Yay! get ready for lots of pictures! am on vacay right now and computerless, broadcasting from brooklyn, then on to newpawt!
but first, let’s see how this goes…

after accomplishing absolutely nothing for the past two months besides finally quitting two {one very and one mildly} heinous addictions, I have just spent the last week in utter chaos. mostly in a good, crazy happy, can’t stop giggling, smiling my toosh off, kind of way. I highly doubt I can get any of you up to speed in a thoroughly comprehensible way, especially considering previous and current wine consumption, but, alas, I will try… {plus I only really know of three people who actually read this, and you all understand my vernack.}

a} I started bartending at the restaurant. reason #1 being acquiring a marketable skill, of which I possess few to none. reason # 2 being a bit of a challenge for my ever decreasing brain activity. reason # 3 being more chingadero in the old savings account.

2} I am approximately 21 days short of being a squatter in someone else’s family home. I find this to be mildly stressful/ excruciatingly so.

c} am in the midst of a somewhat massive life purge due to my impending move, which I originally thought would be to a different state on the other side of the country until realizing that the school mama-face kept hyping up in my general direction was actually going to cost me somewhere near $60,000 in student loans, 9 months of seasonal depression and a seriously lowered quality of life. the lady who works the goodwill donation center a street over knows my name and my cousin is pretty pumped to know she will shortly be receiving a large installment of gently used attire.

4} am still v. interested in photography, yet have re-discovered my interest in advertising, due entirely to one of the activities that took up the vast majority of my previous week, which will be described in full, yet simultaneously in abbreeves, next.

e} I don’t know that there is any possible way to explain how effing crazy and fortuitous life can be sometimes, but here goes…

I had to work the closing shift on America’s day of Independence and did not really care until the night of, when I remembered how much I effing love fireworks, and realized I would not be able to catch any. we had a little pop earlier in the night, and then were completely dead. {translation for those of you who have real jobs and don’t work in the service industry, “we were busy for a short time and then found ourselves without any customers.”} I mean, it was the fourth of July. I’d bet good money you were at a barbecue.

the manager kept saying that we would get a rush {a bunch of people} right after the fireworks were over. this man knows his business. we close at midnight and people start pouring in at 11.15. at the end of the night I am left with two tables, one of whom is speaking to me as if I were an actual human being and not just some waitron {translation: robot who waits tables}, and another who is fine, but orders food at last call and I need to continue tending to. basically, regardless of my enjoyment with table 4, I am on the clock and still required to pay some sort of mild attention to table 21.

it turns out the 3 people at table 4 {my buddies} are in the film industry, and tell me halfway through their meal that they have a proposition for me. “how would you like to audition for a sonic commercial,” they ask me. “not so much,” I say. “If you get the job, it pays $2,000,” they say. “yes, actually I would,” I say. fast forward to one o’clock wednesday morning when I am just about to leave work: I got cast as a Sonic car hop waitress, had to go to a wardrobe fitting the next day and be on set thursday morning at 6.30. the commercial airs on the 26th of this month. nationally.

O.M.F.G.

just try to wipe this crazy grin off my face.

… in case you aren’t up to snuff on the infinite wonder that is tempeh, it’s a meat substitute made from soybeans that is better for you than tofu in that it contains more vitamins, protein and dietary fiber as a result of the different type of process used to produce it. unfortunately, this process is fermentation, and tempeh tastes like bum. to make it even more disgusting, because of the low temperature it is fermented at, tempeh also grows black spores in some places, which only increases how very gross it is.

so, I probably try tempeh once a year, as 364 days is usually a long enough period of time to forget what it tastes like, and when I saw this “zesty lemon flavor marinated tempeh cubes – recipe ready,” I thought it would be a good idea. and after a short cook, they even looked good…

… {and a little too much like tater tots} but they were terrible! the great thing about tofu is that you can make it taste like whatever you want, but tempeh has such an overpowering taste on it’s own, it is extremely difficult to cover up. luckily, my almond rice pilaf turned out great, so thanks Near East.

lesson: you can’t rely on tempeh.

had anyone else forgotten just how much online shopping could be accomplished after midnight, or is it just me?

… so …

a} I apparently don’t wear clothes anymore, or at least any that I, first, have the thrill of picking out, mostly because of the, second, never having the time. ever. also, said lack of time has left me with many items in need of repair, therefore mildly limiting my options {a truly vicious cycle}

2} my dad will most likely never receive the birthday gift that did not come in time for our lovely trip, because I have to modify it and send it to him, which leads me to…

c} I can’t tell you the last time I modified/ crafted/ accidentally ruined/ created/ made something. I can’t even remember the last time I cut something that wasn’t my thigh, accidentally, whilst shaving {yesterday, since you asked}

4} I plan on adding posts about tasty treats from the kitch, more photos, lots of photos, some photos, and get some outfits back up every so often

z} I WILL find a darkroom and I WILL use it. often. so often that I won’t even have time to spew word vomit about it on the interweb. {item ‘z’ is really more for my benefit than yours. {that’s right bitches. I’m a little selfish} hopefully it will light a fire under my toosh so that it’s not just automatically moving to the next day on my teuxdeux list. which if you don’t have you should get immediately. {see, that wasn’t selfish of me, now was it?}

okay. I’m glad I got that off my chest {which, by the way, I absolutely hate those 8 words in that order. whatever followed them {not in this sitch though, obv} was something you really didn’t want to hear or did not in any way improve your life. oh, wait…

I think I may use too many parenthesis. discuss.

elvis just kissed every lady in the house. my goodness. I had no idea that ladies went crazy in a “beatles crazy” sort of way for elvis. and I can’t even describe how fabulous everyone’s hair is in the audience.

in other news, the cat and I are besties of late. she’s been sleeping under the covers with me and following me around the house. can’t lie, I kind of love it. also, as of next week, I will be a published photographer. and I like it. a lot.

finished white teeth and really enjoyed it. am now reading “on beauty,” also by zadie smith, and loving it…

… yes. I wore the hat with my bathing suit in florida. and yes, I fully expect to see urban outfitters sporting the same look in their next catalog. as long as you know I started that shit, I’m okay with it.

to keep you up to speed – I went to Naples with my family for a week to celebrate my dad’s 60th. it was fantastically relaxing, and I loved spending time with grams, mc rat, boh, mama and papa rat, and a smattering of uncles, aunts and their progeny. there were manatees, alligators and panthers, {oh my!} and all kinds of other crazy critters lurking about.

…catfish

… shark

… seriously.

…vomit.

song. some great old photos in the beginning of this video. then it gets weird.

… devouring and loving every minute of it.

… celebrated halloween as lady gaga.

… Andy was a sexy bee.

… Susan’s boss gave her a head.

… the cat got a new hat. which she loved. obv.

that’s all I’ve got for the mo.

the most delicious outfit I’ve worn recently…

top… forever 21/ skirt… h&m/ tights… h&m/ earrings… charlotte russe

.. and today’s outfit

… ha! it’s my work outfit! {post-working, so a little wrinkly} top… tj maxx/ pants… forever 21/ tie… savers

song: I’ll be your man, by the black keys

I’ll leave you with this.